Once upon a time three blokes were going from Brisbane to Los Angeles. Now because this was in the olden days there were no direct flights so they had to go via Sydney.
This boring stopover gave them a lot of time to kill so they decided to also kill some brain cells with copious amounts of rum and cola. i have to say cola because coke didn’t pay me to use their name even though I was offering the sponsorship deal really quite cheaply.
Anyway I digress, in case you didn’t notice.
So there we were knocking back rums like they were going out of style when finally our flight is called.
Being three of us and being in Qantas economy we sat three abreast on the left hand side of the 747. As soon as everyone was settled and the hostie (political correct term is apparently, flight attendant like they have something to do with flying the plane) came by we ordered more rumbo!
I love those little bottles of booze, they make me feel like a giant.
In no time we were pressing the buzzer again for more rum.
Finally the hostie gets smart or really stupid or maybe just plain lazy and she starts just dropping off three bottles each every time we buzz her. We don’t even have to say anything to her anymore, which is pretty convenient because by now we can hardly talk anyway.
Eventually it becomes time for sleep. We’ve already kept everyone else awake with our drunken jibbering.
Now in the olden days when Qantas still gave economy passengers a few little freebies to make the journey a little more comfortable they included the eye mask. With this eye mask came a round sticker which you could place on the eye mask which read in large letters, DO NOT DISTURB
Now I didn’t want some rude bastard or misguided hostie waking me out of my alcohol induced coma by waking me so I made sure I had the do not disturb sticker prominently mounted on my eye patch for all the world to see. Well everyone around 45c anyway.
Once all snuggled up in my blue Qantas blanky I instantly dropped off into my rum fueled dream land, fully expecting not to be conscious again until LA was well and truly in sight.
Imagine my utter annoyance when I’m roused from my drunken slumber by just way too much noise from directly behind me. Groan. What the hell is going on. Bumping the back of my seat even, do these people have no sense of courtesy whatsoever!
This is simply just too much.
Having a brain the size of a planet (or is that plant) I figure that the best way to get back to my slumber is to not engage my giant brain in what is going on around me. I would be much better to leave it turned off. So without removing my sleep mask I peel off the sticker with the giant DO NOT DISTURB white on black lettering and stick it to my finger.
I then hold up my arm with said sticker attached to finger and wave it around prominently. Wow, what a brilliant idea that was, I could even hear a universal instant quiet and everyone even had an involuntary intake of air. Good! I thought smugly to myself, they’ve all realised, finally that they have been way too loud and were in peril of coming dangerously close to waking me up.
Without a further thought I plunged back into darkness.
Sometime later, presumably we were in sight of LA, I woke from my sleep and carefully, tentatively peeled off my sleep mask and blanky. After stretching and yawning like a well satisfied cat, I looked around and surveyed my surroundings.
One thing which I was noticing was the overtly hostile looks from the passengers across the aisle and even the hostie who walked by jobbing carelessly in the side of the head with her arm. I’m sure that was by accident.
I turned to my traveling companions who were always jolly company to find they too had very strange looks on their faces. Mind you, I should explain, these fellows pretty much always had strange looks on their faces, but on this ocassion they were not the friendly happy faces I expected to see.
No, indeed they were rather stern and decidedly unfriendly.
What has happened I wondered.
Let me see… everyone was happy and jolly when I last saw them, just as I was putting on my sleep mask and yet here they all are looking rather like a lynch mob.
I leaned over to my companions and said “Um.. whats up, what’s the problem?”
Now one of these guys is my cousin, David who is one of the easiest guys in the world to get along with and so when he’s showing signs of wanting to flush me down the nearest crapper, you know there is a problem.
David says “You remember last night when you were having your little beauty nap, all the noise and commotion behind us?”
“Yeah” I say “How rude was that? Nearly waking me up!”
“you remember how you put your little do not disturb sign on your finger and held it up for everyone to see?”
Rather proudly I reply, “Yeah that was a good idea wasn’t it, got everyone to shut up”
“Well arsehole” says David “The guy behind you was having a heart attack and the crew, including the pilot were trying to save his life”